You’ve been there before.
You’re walking into Trader Joe’s and a nice older gentleman stops to talk to your son.
You feel your heart racing, and your palms start to sweat as you wait to see how this all plays out.
“How are you little man?”
*crickets*
“What’s your name?”
*silent stares*
“How old are you?”
*child starts looking at his feet*
“What’s wrong with him?”
This one’s directed at you this time.
So you stammer over some words, blurting out something about how you’ve gotta get going cause you’re in a hurry.
You walk away, and all the things you wish you would’ve said come flooding to your mind.
DANG…. Why didn’t I say THAT?!?!
Having to talk with others about your child’s needs can be a stressful experience, especially the first time it happens.
I wish I could tell you it gets easier over time, but I think you just become more prepared.
This can be especially tricky when it comes to extended family and friends, especially around the holidays.
While each interaction and relationship and family is different, there are some general tips that could be helpful as you consider how you want to talk with others about your child with special needs:
Child-first language
Often modeling language we want others to use with and about our children starts with us first.
Child-first or person-first language refers to the fact that your child is not a diagnosis or a disability. It’s your son or daughter.
James is not an autistic boy, he’s a boy with autism.
Shannon isn’t an apraxic girl, she’s a girl with apraxia.
Tonisha isn’t retarded, she’s a girl with an intellectual disability.
Words matter, and they reflect what we think and believe about other people. When you talk with others, model how you want them to see your child with the words you use to describe him, and they will likely follow suit.
Separating the behavior from the individual
Kinda along the same lines… your child’s behaviors or limitations or struggles do not define who they are.
Yes, they’re frustrating and sometimes they just downright SUCK. But it doesn’t mean you don’t love them any less. So show others that with the way you talk about their behaviors.
Consider using “Man, Jake’s tantrums are so frustrating. I hate how autism makes it difficult for him to transition from one activity to another.” versus “Ugh… Jake is driving me nuts. I can’t stand how he always chooses to throw a tantrum right when we’re trying to get out of the house.”
Or maybe try “Alice’s apraxia really makes it hard for her to talk to others. It’s hard to see how apraxia can affect how she plays with other kids.” instead of “Geez, Alice never wants to play with others. She just chooses to stay in her room and play by herself.”
No two people are the same
Everyone has strengths and challenges, not just those with a disability.
Highlighting what your child is good at, especially for those who don’t see them very often, can go a long way.
Also, pointing out that EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON struggles with something in life can help others to see that your child is more similar to them than they may think.
Give specific examples of supports or ways THEY can help your child (instead of putting the responsibility on the child to change)
This can be especially useful during the holidays, when routines are off and stimulation is up. Examples include:
- slowing down your rate of speech
- asking the child to show you what they mean
- asking more specific questions instead of open-ended ones
- giving a verbal countdown (1 more minute; 3…2…1) before moving on to a new activity
Ask clarifying questions and involve the person in problem-solving challenges or difficult situations
If they say, “What’s wrong with him?” → You can ask, “What do you mean?”
Getting the person to talk more about what they don’t know about your child can be an opportunity for them to learn more.
Sometimes lack of information or exposure to people who are different than themselves can cause people to ask questions that just seem outright RUDE and IGNORANT. But if you don’t take a few minutes to educate them on your child, they might not get that chance to expand their beliefs.
If she says, “Why isn’t she talking to me?” → You can ask, “How else can she play with you if talking is difficult for her?”
When he asks, “Why does he play by himself?” → You can say, “How can we include him in our play?”
Children need to be taught how to think differently as well, and you’d be surprised by how many good ideas and problem-solving they come up with!
Keep in mind…
At the end of the day, it’s not your responsibility to change anyone else’s mind.
All you can do is talk with others, share your opinion, educate as you see fit, and give tips on what could be helpful for your child.
Be proud in knowing that you SPOKE UP for your little guy and showed the world your LOVE for him by being his BEST ADVOCATE.
